emotional ups and downs of a management student (unedited)

College in general has been a tumultuous journey, and it's when you're at the middle of all the strokes of hits and punches that you just want to stop, breathe and contemplate on what's been happening-- retrospectively assessing the two or three years that have gone, and figuring out what to do next and if continuing to walk on the path you chose is still worth the adventure. I've been having my share of this bustle.

Upon browsing a tedious required reading I have for my subject Sociology and Anthropology two nights before a long exam, I've finally found the right words that fit what I feel about my course, BS Management.

"...labor is not the satisfaction of a need; it is merely a means to satisfy needs external to it."
Thank you, Karl Marx, for giving me this sentence without having to kill a brain cell. :)

Why did I choose Management in the first place?

Due to the lack of curricula I knew when I was in high school, those that I chose when I took the test in Ateneo, UP and La Salle (I got an exam permit for UST, but I ditched it. :\) just revolved around legal management, business management, accountancy and psychology. I never knew what management engineering, communications and technology, literature or even pharmacy was. My last year in high school was just too dramatic that planning for college was forgotten. I was torn between management and legal management, but I thought I was mentally unprepared for the demands of a pre-law course (although it was my first-choice-turned-second-choice-at-the-last-minute-of-filling-up-the-ACET-form).

I also found my comfort zone in Math. Relying on hearsays, I thought I'd excel in management which they said is conducive for number lovers.

What were the other courses I initially wanted, but didn't consider it on a serious level?

Culinary Arts was an ambition. I never had the love for food, until Chef See of Enderun Colleges made his talk on one of our career orientations before entering college. I was amazed with the photos of different cuisines, and the lush bouncing (with some splash of water droplets) strawberries on his video presentation are still clear in memory. =P~

Something like this, although this certainly does NOT justify the unreal strawberries on the video. :)) :P

But it had to remain a dream when I thought I could not afford letting go of a bigger dream, studying in Ateneo. I thought it wasn't worth the opportunity cost to exchange my Ateneo dreams for something else. I will never ever regret studying in Ateneo, but the course I took is always being put to question.

My Dreams Now
Finally, I've narrowed down my dream careers to two: to be a Businessman or a Professor. Sometimes, I also consider being a chef or a photographer or a choreographer (an abandoned talent). But the emotional turmoil isn't just brought about by the multiple careers I dream of; it was also a shift in interests while in college.

I've blogged before about my sudden interest in poetry and literature, those which I get dizzy when I think of back when I was in high school. I blame this shift in interest to my BOMBASTIC humanities professors in Ateneo. It's true that they are probably the greatest assets of the institution, and I am a witness to it (and a victim of their wrath) firsthand. I now kinda lost the magical climax with numbers and have constantly tried improving and exposing myself to literature.

But the biggest delusion I am having is the thought that I can be a successful businessman, professor, chef, choreographer and photographer ALL at the same time.


Not that I'm doubting my skills and capabilities, but I know how hard it takes to study and be the best at just one of those four.

I often think that culinary arts and photography can remain an extra-curricular, that I can have them as side dishes, that it wouldn't demand too much cognition to understand everything about it, that I can study these while I am in ateneo, pursuing a money-making career. And after having a good job and earn money, then I can do whatever I want. No money, no honey, but will I be happy with my Job?

I now feel exactly how the statement explains it-- that labor without passion in it is just a way to fulfill another appetite external to it. I hear myself a lot of times saying the statement "Magpapayaman na lang ako, tapos saka ako magcuCulinary Arts, magphoPhotography, magsasayaw at kung anu-ano pa. Para may pang gastos ako sa kahit anong gusto kong gawin." It's often the reality I face as a management student, especially when facing all these majors-- accounting, statistics, economics,etc-- which require little or no creativity. It's sad when I think about it, but is it too late to change my career?

Too late or not, I don't have plans on changing my course. First, setting aside the efforts I will put to waste, I definitely don't want to waste my parents' money. Second, I don't consider only the self-pleasure from the career I choose; I want my family, present and future, to also have the comfortable life I experienced. And third, I still believe that I can still find my niche in a corporation-- probably a marketing or external relations manager while to still be able to fulfill my other dream careers (or maybe activities is a better word). Maybe I haven't experienced yet the perks or the fun in managing a business, and I know, I'll still be able to find the fun in it. As for my other dream jobs, they can wait. ;)

Although sometimes in doubt that I won't be able to learn much about it after 20 years old, I believe that I still can learn Photography and Culinary Arts even after being bombarded with balance sheets and graphs. If I can survive Management in Ateneo (with flying colors), why can't I survive these other interests that I am more than willing to learn? Being a poet or a writer is, of course, out of the question (because my brain still cannot handle such job. I have the hugest respect for writers). Maybe, the sad reality of office work is only a portion of a bigger and better reality of sacrificing creativity to have a good life. Maybe, i am just disenchanted by the "fun" side of culinary arts or photography and the like. Maybe, Maybe, Maybe...

These maybe's will continue to make life a lot exciting. Luckily, I can still cope up with the thrill of school and am still able to dodge and stomach the punches. Soon, I'll be able to answer these maybe's. But for now, I'll continue with what I have, and make the best out of it. ;)